BUT FOR THE GRACE OF GOD, GO I!

On April 14th the 24 Hours a Day thought was stories given of tragedy caused by drunkenness. I felt the need to share how this helped me find the meaning of that motto, "BUT FOR THE GRACE OF GOD, I GO." There was a police captain who once told about certain cases he had come across in his career. He said these were all tragedies. The caption spoke of a man who got into an argument with his wife while he was drunk and beat her to death, but the man went out and drank some more. The policeman told about a woman who got to near the edge of an old quarry hole when she was drunk and fell 150 ft. to her death.

After these stories the question was asked, "When I read or hear these stories, do I think about our motto: But for the grace of God"?  I wrote in my book that I had not truly felt the meaning of our motto. That I don't believe I even really understood what that motto meant to me. I understood what grace is on a very small level.  Attaching a feeling of deep understanding, I could not answer yes to.

I changed the drunken part of these tragic stories in my mind to the way I was living with food and other addictions.  I looked back at the two months prior to me finding the desperation to walk into my twelve step program.  I was on that edge, totally real, totally drunk in my lies and addictions. I was living a life that was so removed from reality that my mind could no longer sustain it under the pressure of subconscious guilt.  I was that women falling to her death. 

Please understand I am not trying to make my story more dramatic. Believe me when you live in a dark room for more then 3 years trying to find ways every day to keep breathing and finding none, it is completely like you are out on the edge of a quarry hole ready to fall.  I was stuck in my addictions for my whole life, but the the last 5 years were the ugliest times of all.

June of '09 I was so close to being completely bed ridden, immobile, and needing in home care or a nursing home it shocks me to look back and think of it.  There were signs on the side of the road of my life screaming at me. When I could no long stand in the shower to bath, huge sign! When I could no long stand for more then 5 minutes because my legs and back could no long hold me under the weight I was carrying, another huge sign! When I would wake up in the middle of the night choking on the lack of room in my chest to breath and having Asama coughing attacks, huge sign!  All these signs point to one ending, DEATH!

So in my mind I had to stop it before it got worse and I became a bigger burden to my family. Full of self centeredness and pity I had my plan for suicide on August 14, 2009. I know now that my Higher Power, Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ, stepped in before I carried out this plan.  I was caught mid air from falling down that metaphoric quarry hole any further.  I know that I can not pin point when it happened, but on the morning of September 10, 2009 I came crashing back in to reality.

When I decided that I wanted to choose life over death, I called upon my higher power to help strengthened me to become abstinent.  Every day the GRACE would come. Even though I was to large to hit my knees to pray, the GRACE of neutrality, support, love, kindness, time, patients, and tender mercies from the divine were given to me freely.  I had to work and do my 1% of course. Has it been easy, by no means no. The hardest part was going to my Bishop to talk about all I had done the past 5 or 6 years. When I came to feel the love and promptings of the Holy Ghost that I was to keep going on my road to redemption, GRACE took me by the hand and walked me through.

I testify that all can be over come and restored to us here on earth if we seek our Father in Heaven and the Saviors help. I remember clearly over a year ago believing this to not me the truth. I believed I was the exception to the atonement and the saving power of it.  I knew there was no way I could ever over come my addictions.  I'm here to testify that I am shocked to even be saying that I was totally wrong.  I have gained abstinence in all my addictions the past 5 months. I have found neutrality around the food for over 6 months now. I have found peace and serenity in my other addiction and forgiveness. I share with you that my so called secret is the simple act of asking daily for help from my Heavenly Father. I have been blessed with 116.2lbs dropped in these last 6 months because of this simple act of faith.  More over I have been given a reprieve on most days from the constant temptation, berating, and self loathings that use to cripple me to hide from this life.

My prayer today is that we all may find that High Power to give us relief in our daily struggles and increase our faith to choose the right, letting the consequences follow.  This is how I came to understand that "BUT FOR THE GRACE OF GOD, GO I".